I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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