I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
