tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
