Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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