Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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