hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
