Is it because I queefed?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
