Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
