There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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