I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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