My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
