Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
