The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize