fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
