I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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