I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
