There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
