Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
