I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
