Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
