Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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