I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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