I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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