So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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