I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
