My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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