i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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