ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
