DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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