pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize