I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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