Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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