Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize