just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
