Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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