So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
bring money and cleavage
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
