Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
