remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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