I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
