My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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