I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
