Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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