I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The air was thick with penises
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize