Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
