woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize