I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
