everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
