ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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