on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
