just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
