smell my finger.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
