census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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