I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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