So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
