new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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