if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
