I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
