So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
