dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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