I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
